I hope this gets lost in space...

I am really hoping this never reaches anyone.
At the same time there's something about making this "public" that has a completely different effect than a journal.
I have journal upon journal filled with this garbage, and it doesn't help.
My past has been haunting me lately.


Nightmares of every variety.
Waking in cold sweat,
tearfully searching for a light,
afraid that I've really not awaken at all.

Funny how we place trust in strangers ...
because someone knows someone we trust, we trust.

Interesting how innocent decisions, however misguided, can lead us directly into harms way.
Sad, how people will take advantage of weakness.

In August there was rain the day I lost my boy ...
there were tears the day I lost the choice.
In September he could not forget or forgive the forced desecration ...
he never touched me again...

The car came out of nowhere.
I woke in a hospital bed.
I wished for death, but it refused to come.
It wasn't time.
I lost everything.
My son, my husband, my choice, my will.

He was remarried this week, they're having a child. I'm happy for him, but in the saddest most bitter way. And not because I want that life, not because I want him ... because of the sadness and loss I continue to feel for the life I should have had.

Years passed by, states passed underfoot, life changed.

I was madly in love with a man who left with only 12 hours notice.
How was I so blind?
What a fool.
Twins came and went. They were never wanted, and I don't regret it.
Sick and in the hospital,
I hated him.
I would have been relieved if he had died... I thought a fiery car crash would be appropriate.
Two years passed before I felt okay again, before I could let go of the anger.
Betrayal is incredibly powerful.

I slept in my car after I was released from the hospital.
I was homeless.
I slept in a friends living room for months ... her cat gave me fleas.

I drank until it felt okay, and when it didn't, I drank some more.
Bukowski was a good friend. Or maybe the worst.

Thank the Gods for ebb and flow ...
for the strength to wake up from such nightmares and continue forward ...
that while we remain a little broken, weakness becomes strength.